i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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