I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
