Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
