Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
