he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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