So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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