I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
