What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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