You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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