There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
