I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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