Cold hands, warm shart.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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