what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
