Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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