the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
