my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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