Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Randomize
