my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
