my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
