wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
