textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
