If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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