I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
