If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
