i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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