What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
