Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
