I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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