Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
