thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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