when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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