it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
