So drunk its hurt
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
