I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
