Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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