You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
