The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
