my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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