My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
