so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
