He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
