4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
