Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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