Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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