she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
