why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
And then my night got REAL pukey
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
