I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
