I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
