rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
