I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
