Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
